Confession: Over the past fortnight I’ve listened to the Coaching for Leaders podcast ‘How to Genuinely Show Up for Others with Marshall Goldsmith’ at least four times. Each time I’ve had an ‘aha’ moment. As the host Dave Stachowiak observes, we hear so much about the positives of empathy that we are unaware of its’ limitations.
Oprah Winfrey states, “Leadership is about empathy. It is about having the ability to relate to and connect with people for the purpose of inspiring and empowering their lives.” Goldsmith suggests for us to show up effectively and do this, we need to take a breath, reset and be mindful of the limitations of empathy. To use a Brene Brown term, I consider this boundaried empathy. When our empathy is boundaried, it becomes infinite and we can be the leaders we want to be.
Let’s unpack this a little. Goldsmith labels the four limitations of empathy as understanding, feeling or caring too much and action. All sound positive, but as someone who has at times felt burnt out by empathy, my ‘aha’ was seeing how these come into existence. I am guilty of saying, “Oh wow, that must be hard. Please don’t be angry, I’ll be angry for you.” While I can never emulate someone’s anger, disappointment or (insert any other emotion), it shows my desire to pick up the load and help carry it.
Further to this, I will jump in to be the self-appointed fixer time and time again. It always comes from a good place, but the reality is it’s exhausting and therefore unsustainable. And here’s the hard truth: in these moments we are not showing up as the person needs. We simply need to be holding space, listening and feeling with. How often have we talked to a partner or friend about a challenge and they jump in with a solution? You didn’t want or need a solution, you just needed to be heard.
Empathy is so important and fosters connection. To do it effectively, breathe. Treat each moment like a new moment and know your role is to simply be present. You are there to listen, hold space and feel. If you’d like to work on setting boundaries or how you show up with empathy, please connect.